It’s All Messy

“It’s all messy: the hair, the bed, the words, the heart. Life….” 

William Leal

I’m having a day. A day in which it feels selfish just to say that, let alone write it down and share it with whomever might read. And yet, I’m doing just that…’cause, well, I’m having a day.

There is an incredibly big world out there, with so much going on. Today especially, but really every day when one thinks about it. And I do. A lot. And yet, right here right now, there are lots of things going on too. Do you ever get shut down by the big picture? I do. Overwhelmed by all there is to do and all I want to do and knowing that there just isn’t ever going to be enough time to do it all anyway, so I just keep plugging away at the smaller things; the things that seem less important, less big, less incredible. And they are, but they also aren’t, because everything; even the little things are important.

I’ve been beating myself up lately for feeling stuck. And I’m not stuck, it just has that appearance. By stuck, I mean working an 8-5; not socializing much; and being more sedentary than I’d like to be. But at the same time I’ve been feeling “stuck,” I’ve become president of a nonprofit board of directors; am pursuing a second advanced degree; am in the planning stages of a large project for said degree; am working both a full-time job and picking up some extra work each week as a virtual assistant; submitting writing for publication; occasionally dating; meeting new people and building friendships; taking care of myself and my space; committed to a regular yoga practice; pursuing creative projects; and maintaining communication with friends around the globe. Whew…that’s a lot! So clearly, the only thing that is stuck, is my head up my own arse!

Funny how it can be hard to see that about oneself.

I’ve been showing up to life a little bit messy lately. Unorganized, late, sometimes tired; often just shut down…compounded by this feeling both “stuck” and overwhelmed at the same time. I don’t like being messy, but I’ve been trying to cut myself a break and I’ve also just been trying to think about life in terms of waves and stages, or cycles. Everything, every living thing has a life cycle. And most living things have life cycles that are dependent upon the life cycles of others, creating systems that are often nestled within other systems and so on creating and sustaining everything we know that is in existence. I’ve noticed a cycling trend in my life that goes something like this… Doc3

These moments in my life where I focus on professional pursuits; educational pursuits; and/or a full balanced life, cycle but they are also connected like cogs in the wheels of my existence and they pretty much make me who I am. So I need to find a way to just accept that. Besides, every moment I exist in right now, is because of every decision I’ve made either actively or out of absenteeism throughout my life.

So I’m having a day…one of those days. The kind where I wake up a little bit from the stupor I’ve been stumbling through and look forward to a new day, or maybe just the next day, where I’ll hope to show up just a little less messy. But if I don’t, that will be ok too.